Easter lil late  / Mom

Pam, Happy Easter Honey. I got you some beautiful flowers.This is not the way I wanted you to have them. I would of rather given them to you with a hug and tell you I love you. It still hurts as much today as if it were yesterday. i miss not having you around me talking, and laughing over dumb things. 
My heart hurts so much, I don't think that it will ever be the same. Shawn and I are going to put your flowers on your resting place and spend sometime with you. Shawn,Jody,Zareya and Mason are coming for dinner- I just wish you were here too. Pam my heart is breaking and i don't know how to fix it. I lost one of the most precious gifts that God gave to me. I know that he is taking care of you until i get their, Jesus has gotten one beautiful young lady for an angel.
Sometimes it's hard to be here I just wish that i could have traded places with you. You had so much to live for. When you  were born you were one beautiful baby. I fell head over heels in love with you when they first put you in my arms. You  were just a special and a loving person. Pam you had a heart as big as the world  and you gave a piece of it to everyone you touched, It will be four months on the 26 of this month that you left me and took a big part of my heart with you. I go to resting place alot and fix things and make sure everything is o k  and i sit and talk to you, I 'm making a memorial garden for you, were you planted flowers last summer.
I have a red sweater of yours that i hold just to be close to you. Your scent is still there.It's hard to wake up some mornings to know that your not here. I just miss you so much. As long as i live Pam you will never be forgotten by me. I will always carry my love for you in my heart. I LOVE YOU. HAPPY EASTER.LOVE MOM

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It's been awhile......  / Lisa

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............. / Lisa
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Tonite I wanna Cry......  / Lese

Dear Pam,
 
       As time passes and hours turn to days and days turn to month's .. I can't help but wish you here , Wish to touch you and feel your touch . Wish to hear your voice and have you smile at me again. As things happen in my life I wish and hurt that I can't share them with you .. Today for the first time since I was 5 years old I will see my father's mother. 
Oh how I wish I could share this moment with you .. For the first time in 17 years I will see my Aunt. As each thing comes about in my life I miss you more and more.. I remember being able to sit with you for hours and tell you how I felt about things and have you ask me .."Hun, is this what you really want to do ?" I remember you sitting with me so many times holding me and telling .. "It will be ok what ever you want to do I am behind you "  I miss that support . I miss you so much !!!!!!!!!!!! IT's so hard even today to tell people that your gone (those who dont know) . Even today it's the hardest to look at your picture and smile.. I just cry .. Not because I am angry but because I am lonely. I am missing YOU ! I dont want anyone else.. and I remember telling you that so many times over.. I wanted you and just wanted us to be happy.. I wanted you to be happy..
I wish I would have seen this coming .. would have noticed something was wrong. I wish I would have been able to see you more then we did in the end.. I know you went to heaven knowing I love you as much as I did the day I fell in love with you .. I know your in Heaven and hear me talk to you .. hear me share my thoughts with you .. But I wish it was like in the movies .. I wish you could answer me . I thought about going to see someone who talks to those that pass on to the other side.. I would give anything to just know you REALLY are happy. Sometimes I wonder .. now you see us all at once and you see the hurt we feel and the pain in our hearts .. do you regret your decision? You see how very much We all love you .. do you wish you were still here? Or do you even have those thoughts.. or is everything just happiness and joy on the other side?
I heard a song and I thought about you .. sometimes music will make me smile with memories of you and other times I just cry til I can't see anymore and my eyes swell shut and my head hurts.. 
here are the lyrics.. I know you wasnt much for that country music.. but you know me.. I like it all .. and this one just tells so much how I feel these days.. You know me all too well and know that I mean what I say and feel what I say ...........So .. PLease hear this promise loud and clear .. I love you today and forever.. You will never be out of my heart or mind and I will never stop remembering or thinking about you .. and I will forever miss you and miss being with you ........................................ALLL my love forever and a day..
lese


"Tonight I Wanna Cry"

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

[Chorus:]
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

[Repeat chorus twice]

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thoughts / Shawn

Pam, i just want to tell you that after the 3 months that you have been gone i still miss you like this just happened yesterday. I often think or question "why" but that will never be answered. We all talk and remember you and think of you all the time. I miss you soo much. I feel as if a part of my heart is gone. i love you soo much and can't wait to see you in Heaven. I visited your resting place last weekend with mom and we both remembered different things about you and we both were upset and still can't believe this is real. Sometimes i just want to call you up and talk to you or when i pull in mom's driveway and see your car and realize your not there thats when it hits the most. It's still hard to walk in mom's house knowing first what happened and second knowing that you are not there to hug me when i walk in the door. I really miss that the most the hugs that i got from you because you hugged with everything you had. I just wish you would have talked to me Christmas night. All i really want to say is i love you and i hurt cuz your not here and i can't hug or talk to you. We all really miss you. I am happy to know that you are in a better place. I love you sis. goodnight, love always Shawn

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~jus some words from me again ~  / Lisa
I made some changes and updated ur website today... Sure do miss you like never before. I can't stop thinking about you and how very much I wish I could just talk to you .. It's been a lonely 3 months since you been gone.. with noone to talk to and tell my heart to. I really can't wait for the day we see each other again and can laugh and talk and share all ..
I miss that so much . I miss hearing your laughter and seeing your smile.
Laura talks so good now and can carry a conversation with us .. She has grown so much .. I know you see her but I wish you were here to share with me all the good ( and bad things) she does.
We talk about you all the time and look at your pics... I know she misses you to she gets a sad look when we come to your website.
I just wish I could reach up there take your hand and bring you back. But I guess we both know that can't happen. I am trying to really go on without you but it is just to hard and sometimes to lonely....
I will forever miss u ..

Love always
Lisa Close

This is so hard  / Lisa
Today I awoke alone once again .. Shelby's original owner missed her and asked for her back .. so .. my sidekick is gone.. Kind of feels like a repeat of things here.. I loose all that I love all that I want..
I miss you sooooooo much . NOT one day goes by that I dont sit here and just look at your pics and cry .. I cry becuase my heart hurts .. MY love is broken .. I can never love like this again ever.. I could never trust love again for fear of loosing.. I still Have laura .. she is talking soo good now and can actually hold a conversation with ya ! She is a cutie.. BUT lately I have been thinking .. and I am not sure how much longer I Can keep doing this ......................I am so exhausted and depressed and lonely... so many days are just passed by that I dont even know the day of the week or the date cause I sleep it away.... I am not doing her any good thats for sure .. PLease give me a sign or something .. help me get it together here .. I miss you hun and I never thought once that I would have to pray to you to have a conversation !!! I never thought I would have to look at a photo to see you .. and surely never thought I would have to waken to this pain!!!!!
Pam.. forever is beyond my life .. and that is how long I will love you and miss you .. All My Love (~AML~)
Today,Tomorrow,Always
Lisa Close

For you Pam.. Til I find you again ~Richard Marx~  / Lisa (Girlfriend)
Lately I've been trying
To fill up my days since you're gone.
The speed of love is blinding,
And I didn't know how to hold on.
My mind won't clear.
I'm out of tears.
My heart's got no room left inside.

How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by,
Until I find you again?

Will the arms of hope surround me?
Will time be a fairweather friend?
Should I call out to angels,
Or just drink myself sober again?
I can't hide, it's true.
I still burn for you.
Your memory just won't let me go.

How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by,
Until I find you again?

I'd hold you tighter,
Closer than ever before.
Yeah.
No flame would burn brighter,
If I could touch you once more,
Hold you once more!

[Guitar Interlude]

How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by,
Till I find you again?
Till I find you again . . .

Pam,

Honey.. I so much miss you and wish every day that I awaken for it to be the day I see your face again .. I dont know how long I can go on without you in my world.. You was my best friend and so so..much more .. I miss you Pam and Til I find you again .. May you always have the most beautiful wings an angel can have !
All my love and soo much more..
Lisa Close

Just thinkin bout you ..  / Lese
I wish I could jus wake up one day and not feel like crap .. not cry .. not hurt.. not have to fake happiness..
I miss you so much . I haven't been to your resting place lately and me and Brit were talking .. And it's about time I just do it ..
I hate to be there. Cuase I know so much in my heart you just dont belong there. You dont belong gone from all of us .. And it's all just to tough to deal with .. I spend countless days rejecting phone calls .. just sleeping .. lying in bed and sick to my stomach with lonliness and hurt.
I wish you could come back .. and put smiles on all our faces again ..
I wish you could come back and end this hurt..
I got a dog yesterday .. She is so beautiful ! her name is Shelby..She stays by my side all the time . everywhere I walk she is with me..
At first I didnt really want her .. You know me .. I want a Yorkie.(*smiling*)
But something about her made me want her . she ran to me and just kept running back and forth to me and the door .. and that is when I knew.. I had to have her..
I think you would have loved her ! SHe is my sidekick now .. hopefully she can get me out of bed in the days to come and up doin something ..
I told you before hun, after you there will never be anyone else.. and I ment it.. SO .the only female companionship I have found is in the form of a 8 month puppy name Shelby..
I miss you hun!!! and I love you soo much .. 3 months without you has felt like an eternity ..And to think I have many more to go ..
GOD> I can't wait to see you and be with you !!! I want to be with you where you are ..
And I know soon I will be .. it's just a matter of time .
I love you always and forever.
Lisa Close

thinking of you  / Mom
Pam, today is the third month that you have left me. And it fells like it was yesterday. Alot of times I get down and out because you're not here. I just miss you so much. I expect to come home and find you their, but deep in my heart i know that you're not. I miss you everytime i go somewhere and you're not with me. My heart still hurts and I still have alot of pain and i cry alot. I love you so very much. MOM p.s. I go to your grave every chance i get. Close

Our Misconceptions about Suicide  / Lisa Grubb (Girlfriend)
I recieved this by email from a family member of mine.. Thougth I would share with you all .. It really reaches into a spiritual side of  suicide as well as a great explanation to what most of us ask from time to time when we have someone we love die by suicide.. I often think of things in multiple episodes so to speak .. wondering how things would have played out under each circumstance .. with suicide this explanation really leaves no questions..and no reason for wondering. I pray none of you ever have to relive the pain again of suicide..but for those of us who have suffered this fate more then once and even 3 times.. this may help you a little bit with reaching a more spirtual understanding
Thnks.. Lisa 

    Our Misconceptions about Suicide  
   
      By Rev. Ron Rolheiser, OMI  

----------------------------------------------------------------------
----
    
      Margaret Atwood once wrote that sometimes
things need to be said, and said, and said, until
they don't need to be said any more. Each year I
write a column on suicide because, given the
misconceptions about it, some things need to be said
over and over again.

      What are our misconceptions about suicide?
What must be re-iterated over and over again.

      First, that suicide is not an act of
despair. We are, too slowly, emerging from a mindset
that understands suicide as the ultimate act of
despair --000 culpable, irrevocable, and
unforgivable. To commit suicide, it is too commonly
believed, puts one under the judgment once pronounced on
Judas Iscariot: "Better to not have been born."
Until recently, victims of suicide were often not
even buried in church cemeteries.


--------------------------------------------------------------------

            There are malignancies and aneurysms
too of the heart, mortal wounds from which the
soul cannot recover. In most cases, suicide, like
any terminal illness, takes a person out of life
against his or her will. The death is not freely
chosen, but is an illness, far from an act of free
will.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
          


      What we didn't understand when we thought
these things is that the propensity for suicide
is, in most cases, an illness, pure and simple. We
are made up of body and soul, either can snap. We
can die of cancer, high blood pressure, heart
attacks, aneurysms. These are physical sicknesses.
But we can suffer these too in the soul, not just
the body.

      There are malignancies and aneurysms too of
the heart, mortal wounds from which the soul
cannot recover. In most cases, suicide, like any
terminal illness, takes a person out of life against
his or her will. The death is not freely chosen,
but is an illness, far from an act of free will.
In most instances, suicide is a desperate attempt
to end unendurable pain, much like a woman who
throws herself through a window because her
clothing has caught fire. That's a tragedy, not an act
of despair.

      If this is true, and it is, than we should
also give up the notion that suicide puts a
person outside the mercy of God. God's mercy is equal
even to suicide. After the resurrection, we see
how Christ, more than once, goes through locked
doors and breathes forgiveness, love, and peace
into hearts that are unable to open up because of
fear and hurt.

      God's mercy and peace can go through walls
where we can't. As we all know, this side of
heaven, sometimes all the love, stretched-out hands,
and professional help in the world can no longer
reach through to a heart paralyzed by fear and
illness.

      But, where we stand helpless, God's
compassion can still reach through. God's love can
descend into hell itself (as we state in our creed)
and breathe peace and reconciliation right into
wound, anger, and fear. God's hands are gentler than
ours, God's compassion is wider than ours, and
God's understanding infinitely surpasses our own.
Our wounded loved ones who fall victim to suicide
are safe in God's hands, safer by far than they
are in the judgments that issue from our own
limited understanding. God is not stymied by locked
doors as we are.

      When suicide victims wake on the other
side, they are met by a gentle Christ who stands
right inside of their huddled fear and says: "Peace
be with you!" As we see in the post-resurrection
appearances of Christ, God can go through locked
doors, breathe out peace in places where we cannot
get in, and write straight with even the most
crooked of lines.

      Finally, too, there is a misunderstanding
about suicide that expresses itself in
second-guessing: If only I had done more! If only I had been
more attentive this could have been prevented.

      Rarely is this the case. Most of the time,
we weren't there when our loved one departed for
the very reason that this person didn't want us
to be there. He or she picked the time and place
precisely with our absence in mind. Suicide is a
disease that picks its victim precisely in such a
way so as to exclude others and their
attentiveness. That's part of the anatomy of the disease.

      This, of course, may never be an excuse for
insensitivity to those around us who are
suffering from depression, but it's a healthy check
against false guilt and anxious second-guessing. Many
of us have stood at the bedside of someone who is
dying and experienced a frustrating helplessness
because there was nothing we could do to prevent
our loved one from dying. That person died,
despite our attentiveness, prayers, and efforts to be
helpful. So too, at least generally, with those
who die of suicide. Our love, attentiveness, and
presence could not stop them from dying --despite
our will and effort to the contrary.

      The Christian response to suicide should
not be horror, fear for the person's eternal
salvation, and anxious self-examination about we did or
didn't do. Suicide is indeed a horrible way to
die, but we must understand it for what it is, a
sickness, and stop being anxious about both that
person's eternal salvation and our
less-than-perfect response to his or her illness.

      God redeems everything and, in the end, all
manner of being will be well, even beyond
suicide.

      Oblate of Mary Immaculate Father Ronald
Rolheiser is a specialist in the field of
spirituality and systematic theology.
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A Mormon  / Patrick
Hello,
Take this info for what it is worth.

Before we came to this earth, we lived with our Father in Heaven. We chose to come here to make our own choices. All of us knew we would experience a physical death. All of us will.
It is apparent that Pam has made a difference in your lives. This is good. The world needs more people like Pam.
Thanks for posting the pictures of her, I enjoyed viewing them.

Patrick
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Couldnt help it ..  / Lisa
Hey hun.. couldnt help but put Puff Daddy on here for ya ... I was going to awhile back and decided not to .. and today I wrote a short story about us and then left .. coming home the song came on with Me and brit and Pnut in the van .. Of course I cranked it up !
and cried all the way home and then as I pulled up to the house one of your fav songs came on .. We all laughed..
We listened to this song endlessly!!! God I can remember cranking it up and both of us singing (like we could carry a tune ahahah)
Bet people thought we were just plain crazy going down the road singing like we were a 2 woman band haha
Well .. here it is .. had to do it .. and well ...I guess I dont need to say anymore about it cause you already know ..

Much much love to you ..
I miss you soooo much it hurts.. I love you babe, always urs!
Lese Close

Messages from strangers...To ALL PLEASE READ!  / Lisa
hey every one... I just got here and seen the message from the stranger..
I also wanted to let you know he is the 2nd person in 2 days who said while listening to music on their pc pam's site popped up at them..
I am not sure exaclty what the message is supposed to be.. I think the gentleman who posted here before me said alot..

this is wonderful to me since It's been pretty quiet around here with strange happenings in the last month .. AND I do think this is a sign from above ..
The girl who emailed from the site her name was Sarah and said that Pam's site popped up on her as well while again surrounded with music..

Please to the stranger and Sarah .. email me from the site and tell me what you were listening to ... that may help me or someone else understand this a bit better ..
And thank you soooo much .. This speaks so loudly that Pam is still near us all and is with God's help is using you all to send her love..

God Bless to each of you . I continue to pray for each of us to regain strength and understanding in our loss of pam..

To Pam's mom........I know your heart is heavy and the pain is so real for you more then the rest of us as you gave life to the beautiful wonderful Pam we all knew.. and if I never told you before ..I would like to thank you because without you there would have not been a Pam for us all to love.
thank you from the bottom of my heart


Much love and Prayers to you all
Lisa Close

it may sound crazy that you don't know me  / Robert Diller (Stranger.)


    Hello, my name is  robert and i wanted to send my regards i was listening to music on windows media player listening to creed  and  her site  popped  up  and i just began reading  but hey   it is  a  realblessing to see  the faith  that GOD  given you  guys to know that you  will see your mom  when you get to heaven   it is blessing to  see that  God   can use  even people  and  their memories    of  their past  to show  the faith  that  lies  within evry soul   in  the world     and  serioulsy God wants  you  to know    he is  using  you guys  as soul savers  to save  lost  souls    keep up  your  good  work   and   you  will be rewarded in heaven   for God says    the  harvest is plenty   but  the laborers  are  few   god  wants  to use   us  as   his  laborers.  it  may  seem   mind boggling    for  you  to hear  this message  but  it is  not   by  chance  that  i came  across  to see  this  website   GOD   wanted  to send  a  msg  to   you   , that  the  faith  that   you look  for  lies  within  yopu   to move  mountains   in  your life  and   it is  a blessig  to see  that  you  guys    dont  see  this  as  an obstacle in  your life  but  as   a  time   to  come  together  and   be  one  in  the holy  spirit   The  work  you  do  for  GOD   is  not  in  vain    you  may  not  know  me  but  dont  let  the fact  that  you dont  know  me get  in   the way   of   the msg  of  GOD  again  it  is  not  by chance   that  you  had  to get  this  msg    your  mom's  work  is  not  in vain   for   she  does not   do  her  work un  to  man   but  unto  GOD  thats  why    this  site  will keep  touching  people  send  the msg out  to everyone  that  you  know   that GOD is  love  and  love  conquers all  even  knowledge   and  credentials  cause   God  does  not look  at   what  people  see  but  he looks  at  what no  man can see   and  thats  your heart.....  PLEASE  KEEP  sending  out  the  good  work for  you  know  thats   what   your  mom  would  want   you   to  do    but  do  it  unto  GOD.  THROUGHOUT  EVERY THING  KEEP  YOUR HEAD UP   GOD  needs  us  to spread  the  good  newss   and  the news  is   people  that  are  heavliy  burdened come  to  GOD  and   he  will  lay us   to rest   for  he knos     that  it  is  to hard keep following  the  path  of  the  righteous   that  GOD   has  put  before  you    DONT  LET   THE  FACT  THAT  YOU  DONT  KNOW  ME  GET  IN   THE  WAY  OF   THE  MSG   THAT  GOD wants   to tell   you    and  that  is   you guys  are  on  the  right path Close

More Memories..  / Lese

it's so funny what our mind will let us remember when we are at our lowest point and feeling so desperatly alone and isolated..
I sit and think about you all the time and read through my journals of the last 5 years we spent together .. each day chronicled like a story of my life and how very very much you ment to me even in the hardest of times or the lowest of moments. On this day last year it was a Tuesday .. and we were preparing for Easter that was only 2 weeks away . 2 weeks earlier we had just gotten through my brother's funeral and I was trying to get myself together since it was Laura's first easter that she would understand .. We talked about getting her that Dora Explorer can instead of an easter basket .Cause she loved Dora so much and would be stuck like glue to the tv when she came on. 
  You and I had went shopping and gotten Christian some things for school and he was so excited that got new cloths! I remember you telling him  " Aunt Pam thinks you look so handsome! "
  I try to not sit and ask questions anymore .. the pain of missing you and loosing you has been more then I can take. This has got to be the worst 2 1/2  months of my life !! I dont think I ever imagined any of the pain I feel .. I remember the time we seperated when we lived in Exton and for a week all I did was cry in my bed. I couldnt eat or do anything and Mandy came down from york to take care of me cause I was so depressed without you ....and I hate to admit it but sometimes even now that is how I am .. I just can't see myself going on the next however many years without you around. Not hearing you or seeing you . Not being able to talk to you or share things with you ..
I have come to see that I can't get through any of this alone and have done what I know needs to be done . I reached out for help from an outside source.. but I just feel like I will bs my way through if they tell me to get over it ...........................I can't just get over any of this I have tried and tried.
I miss you and I know all to well the what shawn means about seeing something and thinking of you ... geeze I can't tell you how many times I seen something and thougth wow .. if you were here you would have loved this or that ! it's so hard to shop for Laura cause you and I always did that together and you always asked me what I thought of things > I can still  see you standing in Wal Mart holding up this outfit saying "yo lese you think this would look cute on boo?" I try to avoid that area at all cost .. but had to go and get her jeans a week or so ago .. that was the first time in my life I was in and out of that area...................I just remember standing there for a moment thinking .. god .. where do I start and tears welling up in my eyes.. cause I had this empty feeling a feeling of unable to do it alone. This wasnt the first time but probably one of the hardest .

I sit and wonder .................how long can I keep up this sharade? this smiling game? I hold back tears in all I do .. what starts off happy ends in my missing you and wishing you were apart of . And I end up sad and ready to cry ... I get home as fast as possibke or find a rest room and let it out ... just cry my heart out .

I am thankful for one thing.. my memories of you wont let me forget the sound of your voice.. I can hear your voice all the time.. and I swear sometime at nite your near cause I can feel your touch and smell you near me ..
I hug your pillow all nite.. I remember when we bought those body pillows and how you used to spray your perfume on them .. today the scent has faded away but sometimes I can still smell you near.
It's probably just my mind playing tricks on me or wishful thinking but it's nice to have something to believe in .. I still look for you to wlk across the room.. I still look for a sign that your still around . Maybe just the feeling of your presence is my sign ...and when I am at my lowest Laura seems to always come running to me and kiss my check and say she loves me .. Makes me wonder how she know 3 rooms away that I am sad.
Someone told me one time that babies forget people after not being around them for awhile.. I have to argue that cause this little girl comes to me with your pics and talks to me all the time about you, of course I am having a heck of a time convincing her that your not her daddy ... but that is another story itself. :) She will lay in bed at nite and clutch ahold of my locket and ly there and talk .. I dont know why , I never told her what was inside the locket ..really noone knows . All most  know is that the  locket was a gift from you but that is all . I still have my ring on .. I promised to never take it off again and I mean it ... *but it needs a good cleaning!*
I just miss you .........the memories are just eating me up here ...
we are more then likely not moving now . there hasnt been much talk about in recent days so I am not sure .
I did get a call to pick up something that used to be ours that we both thought was gone forever .. and I havent done it yet . I am this saturday .. I just feel like the memories i have now are killing me .. this is one that will probably be the hardest to take but I have to do it ..

mom was telling me she has some pics of us together and some pics of you I am hoping she finds them and lets me put them on here . I think she hasnt done anything yet cause she wants me to be able to move forward .. and all the talk of you all the time or all the memories of you jus seem to be hard to take I just get so depressed and I dont do much .

I miss you so much and I love you ... I willl forever be missing you .. 
Huggs and love .. 
Lisa

 

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? / Shawn
Pam, it seems to so unreal even now that you are gone. I don't understand why and never will. I know i miss you so much. I wish i could have told you how much i loved you more than i did. My heart hurts knowing that i will never see you until the day i'm called to Heaven. I wanna see you now. Mom is still in alot of pain because of the loss of you. We all miss you and none of this makes sense to us as far as why ? We will never know. It is just so hard when i see something that reminds me of you, i always smile and alot of times cry because of knowing your not here. It stinks knowing i can't share thinks with you by talking face to face. I just want you know that I'll always love you and keep on fighting. i have a picture of you and the kids at my computer and think of you all the time and its still hard to talk about you to others because i start missing you. Just send Mom and Pop and the rest of us love and watch over us and help us to heal and know that you are in a better place and that you are all better. We all miss you so much, I just wish we could have had more time so show you. I know you see how much you are loved and missed and probably laughing because we are upset  when you are the happiest that you have ever been. It's funny you don't realize how when you see things it reminds you of someone. That happens to me all the time with you.  I talk to Eric all the time he calls me and i wanna bring him down for the weekend so i can spend time with him. I want Mandy and Dave to come down so i can take them out to dinner and we can hang out. I have been lacking on keeping in touch with everyone and will  work on  talking to everybody atleast everyother week. Just to tell you that you are missed and loved so much. I promise i will never forget you. Always thinking of you, forever in my heart. love always your lil brother shawn Close

today's site update.. for pam...  / Lisa

March 13,2006



I remember finding this song on the internet with Pam in March of 05 when my brother passed away . We were looking for songs for his website..
When I down loaded this .. we listend to it and when the song was over she said she thought it was a pretty song and she liked it .
Later on .. she had asked me to burn her a cd and that was one of the songs she wanted on it .. I burned it to cd and we would listen to all the time.. I have the cd here and I came across it by accident since it wasnt marked.. I put in the cd player .. when this song came on it was like a flash back of memories in my head.. playing over and over..

she always told me she didnt like country music .. but she really liked the meaning in Tim McGraws songs ..
When I listen to the song I get teary eyed.. cause I dont think I could ever find a better love or deeper love then Pam .. however ... God's love for her is so much better and deeper then mine or anyone's could ever be for her .. so .. I know she is happy and safe ..
and I do so much remember her .. at every faze of my life .. every step I take .. every single breath that comes from me .

All the ups and downs we had .. my love stayed as strong as the day I fell in love with her ... I honestly dont think I could have ever loved anyone as much as her ..

nor will I ever again ................ And Pam .. I will always .. always.. remember you .. and the only time you ever ever really truely hurt my heart was the day you took yourself out of this life and into god's ....But it never ended my love for you ...

I miss you and love you soo soo much .......I just cant' wait for the day I see your smile again and hear your voice and feel your touch!!

Today , Tomorrow , FOREVER,
LESE

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Missed you  / Lese
I missed you so much this last cookout mom had .. it reminded me of our last one toghether and it was at moms .. That house holds so many memories for me and I never let it show but I so missed you and wondered if you were there with me . I felt so lonely .. as everyone there was with someone .. me .. well I was with the kids and felt sad that I wasnt laughing with you .. I miss you like crazy . But I promised so many to keep my head up .. I am trying to really..........

Love you always
lisa Close

This is so hard..  / Lese
It's so hard getting through each day without you in this world. I dont know if I can even explain how I feel anymore. I guess somehow I thought I would be able to just pick up and carry on with my life but thats so far from the truth. I wish I could say I was carrying myself as I should and being someone you would still love and be proud of but ... sometimes I just dont know . I can't make myself want to do anything other then think and dream of you . I love you and the loneliness I feel is more then I can bare on a daily basis.

I come here often and to see all the candles lit and all the kind words people have to say to you .. I often think to myself if only in life you knew all of this .. if only you could feel all this love when you were here with us all. would it had mad any difference?
I still can't understand any of this ... I am still asking why..and still here missing you and loving you!!!



I just miss ya so much ..
I love you hun,
Today,Tomorrow and always,

Lese Close