Hey Pam ,
  Well here we are again ..marking another month. Today is the 4th month that your gone and it feels as if it was yesterday . I often sit and wonder why things turned out as they did .. You leaving and saying all you did when we last saw each other and then you going away forever.
  
  It' been a tough 4 months and some days I just can't even find a way to function. As I have said so many times before.. I feel like I lost the other half of my soul.. and my entire heart. 
  I dread each month that passes .. as it's another month without you . 
I find places that I can go alone and share my thoughts with you . Even here I can't say all I really want to say or need to say .. But I know you hear me when I talk to you (Or at least I like to believe you do )
 I am always making the plans to go to your resting place and when it comes to the moment to leave ... I can't do it . I am so sorry hun, I am not abandoning you .. I am not forgetting you .. It just hurts to damn much to go there . It's to hard to talk to you there and way to hard to see you there.  At first I was upset that you were buried since you told many of us many times you wanted to be creamated.. but now .. I am so thankful that you are where you are .. It gives everyone who loves you a place to go and sit with you and share the beautiful sunshine or the moonlight with you .. 
Last time I was there it was raining ................I stood there in the rain .. at the front of your resting place.. just looking .. and thinking "How did it ever come to this?" The rain disguising my tears .. and the cold numbing me more .. It felt like forever to get my legs to want to move to get back to the car.. I just wanted to sit there .. Rain, Cold, Mud.. and just be there .. Just be with you .. I think if I could have jumped into the ground and stayed with you .. I would have !
Pam, you have no idea how I wish you would have just talked to someone .. I still dont understand what you were thinking .. So many times I just ask you ..... WHY ?? What did we miss ? Please tell me what we didn't see or realize or take the time to notice or HEAR?!
 I used to read other's posts here and even that has gotten to be hard... 
To see so many in pain and agony and feel such hurt tears me up .
 And your mom ..Pam, it took me a long time to really see , I mean open my eyes and see that she was always just being a MOM .. wanting the best for you and wanting you to have what she always believed to be in your best interest... 
MOM  had to shake me to reality so many times and remind that your mom is your mother and that she hurts MORE then anyone in all of this . There always was truely 2 sides to every story ..... I'm not mad at ya for that .. But wish you would have trusted me a bit more and trusted your family a bit more to know we all love you and care for you ...  it would have saved 5 years of being away from everyone .. for 5 years we could have spent that extra time with each one of them .. I think that is where my hurt comes in .. cause as much as I used to ask you why we didnt .. You never offered me an answer.. And I really see now that all along they just wanted you in their lives.
   And I dont think they cared who you were Pam! Or who you loved ... I think they wanted you happy and wanted to SEE that happiness in your eyes and on your face and feel YOUR happiness.. 

  God there is so much I wish I could look you in the eye and say to you now! 
SO much I wish I could sit with you over coffee and talk about ....
I remember when you and I went to your Grandmom's funeral and when we went to eat .. I talked a little to your mom then .. I can remember it like it was yesterday .. When we drove away your smile was huge . And then suddenly as fast as the wind blows .. things changed again and were back to how they were before .. and I never talked to her again . I just wish I knew why .. what was in your mind .. I so badly wish I knew all these years what was really in your mind.. What did you really want or think ? I feel like  I don't even know what's real anymore... 
You left all of us with so many questions .. and I know I will never get the answers to them . And that sucks.
I think about that last letter you sent and the things you said in it .. How you said you were sorry for ever hurting me or how you missed me and loved me and will always love me .. And I wonder.. what was that pam ? What was that ? Was that ment to be the last true words you say to me ???? What in the hell were you doing girl ? You call me and tell me you miss me .. You leave me a message that you love me and miss me on the machine.. you sit with me and tell me how you have decided to not fight with anyone anymore .. what did that mean? You told me you werent going to argue your point anymore but let everyone (even me ) just think we know what is better .. 
And 3 weeks later your gone.........................Gone just like that .............................
I feel like my head just spins .. my heart pounds .. my eyes are never dry.. my head never straight.. 
I replay the last five years over and over in my head....I replay it all ... every word.. every momemnt.. every holiday.. every single arguement.. every single moment of joy and happiness...... I just replay it and remember it .

Yesterday I borrowed someones camera to see those videos we taped . I was like a kid excited to see them again .. not realizing what I would see.. And even tho most of the tapes were damaged from that time the water filled up the basement where we were storing things til the construction was done on the house.. 
I managed to get a tape that was viewable .. I sat with a smile watching Christmas of 2002 when we had bought the kids their bikes.. I laughed .. To see them back then.. It's like nite and day .. Funny how life changes who you are .. How Brittany was so sweet and even tho spoiled she had a smile always . I hate to see what all in the last 2 years has done to that little girl .. how who she was as a person has been destroyed by hate and anger and not to mention all the loss she has felt.. (if only you knew how much she misses you .. She still says how you are HER Pammy ) 
She made me copy pics of you for her ... and for Christmas she got a jewlery box that you can put a pic in the front of the drawer .. and there you are .. And I dont care what it is hun... wether it be a pair of socks with holes in them .. If she knwws you had been the one to get them for her or give to her ... she won't get rid of em.
But ....
 I watched the video .. and the memories It brought back .. and there you were .....................
In your light blue Lee Jeans and work boots... hair not done.. shoveling snow ! 
You looked so annoyed at the thigh high snow ... and I am sure annoyed I was video taping you .. 
But You were there .. it was like for a moment you were still here.. to see you moving ... and walking .. 
and a few times past in the the videos .. even tho you and I werent in the them I could hear you and I talking in conversation .. And to hear your voice .. to hear your laugh for that brief moment ... It was like I had found a million bucks.. 

I find myself looking up to the sky a lot .. just hoping to see a glimsp of you .. an image of you .. or something .. I look for little miracles .. things to happen noone can explain .. and I don't get them .
I get the few rare occassions where something unexplainable happens .. But then I find reason to not believe after awhile..
I Don't think I ever believed I would hurt like this. And even tho to YOU I showed my emotions and feelings.. I never imagined I would become so weak that I would show to others.. I never imagined who I am would be comprimised forever.. Who I am as a person .. forever torn .. tathered, and lost..changed in heart and soul for the remainder of my time on this earth. 
I feel this need to see you .. this need to know your ok .. a need to hear your voice ... feel your touch . And as the need gets greater my time here gets' harder and harder. I find myself wanting to be where you are .. There is always another moment without you .. always another day to wake up alone .. another day to sit in the morning and drink my coffee alone .. to lay my head down at nite hugging that big body pillow that was yours.....Another moment to miss you .. AND I HATE IT >>>>>>>>>
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the person you called pretty(even tho I never really believed I was even close to that) I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the person you held or loved ... putting lotion on my hands looking down seeing my ring.. the ring you put there and knowing that it's just empty promises now .. broken promises .. broken dreams.. broken everything .. 
And the locket I wear .. Holding your hair .. knowing that is the closest I will ever be to you again in this life .........
It's like a haze .. and fuzzy .. and my head spins and my stomach hurts and my eyes burn from the tears........And then all that is left .. is me ................Sittin here.....forever changed,forever lonely and lost ... Just me .........without you ..........and it isnt how I pictured my life to be .. and surely not how I wanted it to be ... Just me ...................................sittin here .. without you

I miss you pam.. and as much as it hurts.. and as much as the pain gets stronger with each passin day and hour .. 
I will always always love YOU
Lese