When will the hurt stop? / Lisa
I sit and think about you each day .. there is always time to think about you and remember you .. No matter how much I do or what I am doing your still first and foremost in my mind.. and I wonder.. when will the hurt stop?
I think about all the times we shared .. laughter , smiles, hugs, fights, quiet times and times when we were to mad to talk to each other .. and I can't think of anything but seeing your face again and I wonder....... when will the hurt stop?
I listen to music and every song reminds me of you . I watch a movie and I find myself always drifting into thoughts of you ... When I write my poems and I look back at past ones I written it's just a reminder of how much a part of my life you truely were .. and I wonder ... when will the hurt stop?
I sit alone, missing you .. wishing to hold you .. wishing to kiss you and hold your hand .. the lonliness is out of control! I can't breath without missing you ...... I can't wake up and not think of you . And I once again wonder.. when will the hurt stop?
I knew 6 years ago when you first held my hand that I loved you .. I knew then that YOU would leave a mark on my life that would last forever .. I want to be able to remember you without crying .. I want to be able to laugh at the things WE once laughed at together .. instead I cry . I hate to open my eyes and see that your not there .. I hate to sit in the house alone and not hear your voice call out my name .. I hate to shop and know that I wont hear you calling from across the store .. and I wonder ... when will the hurt stop?
I try to be everything to everyone and the one thing I want to be I can't ... I can't any longer be that one title I so held with pride.. I just can't imagine a full life time of this hurt .. so I wonder ..
When will the hurt stop? You were and forever will be my everything ! you and I may have ended the day your life ended .. but my love is eternal and never ending . As long as I have breath in my body I will say your name . As long as I have eyes to see I will look at your pictures . As long as I have hands I will hold on tight.. as Long as I have smell I will remember your scent .. as long as I have legs I will run if you call upon me . As long as I have a life I will miss you.. as long as I have a beating heart it will beat your name ! And when my time finally comes and I am called home ... I will carry all my love with me to the heavens were you will see I never forgot you .. Goodbye isnt' an option ..it never was and never will be ... for goodbye is forevever and forever is to long to wait so I wont say good bye ..and yet I still have to wonder .. when will the hurt stop?
I remember telling you that I believed you were soul mate ..Now I am just a soul without my mate and time can never heal this pain, ache or need .. time can never end what we worked so hard to build and time can never undo what has already been done for love is never ending .....
Pam .. I miss you .. and I love you .. Happy Anniversary hun,
ALL MY LOVE FOREVER TODAY,TOMORROW,ALWAYS LISA Close
Pam, Dad and I were talking about Joshua's birthday coming up on the 30th and I started to remember when we told you I was pregnant. You couldn't stop smiling at us. You were so happy for us. I'm not sure who was happier when he finally arrived... You or me. You couldn't wait to hold him. I know that I never told you... I thought there would always be time...thank you. Thank you for loving them (all 3 boys) and for being there big sister. I know they miss you terribly. They know they will see you some day. We love you Pam. Everyday that passes brings us one day closer to you. Remember us in Heaven, save us a place, and hear every prayer.
I really miss you... / Lisa (Girlfriend)
Dear Pam. Hey .. I was sittin here this morning .. The kids have off school today for the Labor Day weekened. And I just payed some bills and I am sitting here listening to Sirius radio and something so funny came on and I couldn't help but think how you would have been laughing soo much right now.. I finally got to sit down and watch a movie I had been waiting to see and ohh I just laughed all the way through .. and I know you would have been doing the same.
But the real reason I am writtin is I just miss you so much. I was at wal mart last nit and bought some really nice storage boxes with lids to put my memories of you in like .. letters you wrote me .. and cards and stuff like that ... And the 3 I have arent' enough. So I guess I am going to go back and get some more.. but I was thinking last nite.. that it's so clear you had a huge heart every time I read a card or letter you wrote me .
Laura is getting so big now .. She and I came here the other day to see you and she really got upset .. and started to cry . She said "I want my ***** Pam " and I felt so bad... I can't really make her understand ... I told her you were up in heaven with the angels now and that any time she wants to talk to you she can .. and that she can always hear you right in heart.. I guess the normal stuff you tell a kid.. but it did help for a few minutes anyway .. It's funny cause she still asks for you .. one time she got her clothes and told me to call you that she wanted to go bye byes.. I have to be honest.. I am really scared to deal with this .. she misses you ... I know she does. SHe has grown so much . Some times to much .. she has this little way of talking that sometimes you can't help but laugh; I wish you were here to see her.. I wish you would have thought how so very much this would impact also her to .. I get so angry sometimes cause it wasnt fair to anyone.. but especially not fair to this little girl we promised to give a good life to..
She hasn't changed much .. she is still loving and caring ... She has a lil princess attitude tho .. and it's so cute sometimes but not to cute when you want her to follow directions and she wants to do things her own way! lol.... She is so big now too .. Can you believe she is actually almost in a 5t! She is 39 pounds ! I never thought I would see that day ! I always imagined her so little and sweet.. The terrible 2's werent so terrible but boy now that she is 3 well that is another storie! She still hates to have her hair messed with .. so more times then not it's just messed up .. Megan had her baby .. she had a little boy and so now It's tough to find someone Laura trusts to do her hair.. I thought about callin her to see if there is a shop that I take Laura to so I can get her hair done.. I did cut it once.. All that hair food you and I used to put in her hair she had a head full and more lol
I miss you Pam, She misses you ! Brittany misses you ! She got a picture frame for her locker to your picture in so she can have you with her at school. She started Middle school.... can you imagine how fun this has been lol.. She didn't transistion to well.. but she is tryin to hold strong and do what she has to do . Pnut is doing great this year ! He is very upset now that I didn't bring him to your funeral....I just assumed they didn't want to go cause noone said much .. and now all this time later he told me ... He missed you and wished I would have let him go . I have been trying to get back to myself but it's been tough.. I look like I aged 10 years and put the weight back on and I just dont care anymore ...It's been a long long road . I need to update your website .. but sometimes I come here and I am just paralized with all my emotions and how much I miss you it's hard ..
just a few more weeks would have marked the 6th year for us .. I can't believe it but further more .. It's so hard how time stands still in an instant and the world we know changes forever .. and some things can no longer move forward or become another moment of time or memories...We will forever be stuck at 5 years and that is hard .. forever stuck with the last conversation we had .. the last words we said .. forever stuck with that last moment.. Nothing can change .. nothing can be taken back or made a bigger memory.. It's hard to believe that we can no longer move forward or fix or repair broken hearts in this relationship.. I wish people would have known all along how very much YOU ment to me .. how very much I love you .. that is my biggest regret.. That I didn't make it more clear that I love you as much as I do .. I often think of the things I would do if I could turn back the hands of time.... and I often remember being told that if someone is truely your soul mate you will meet in your next life.. And I loved you in this life .. so I know I will love you in my next.
I miss you pam. I know you feel it and see it .. and I Know even tho your with God now your with us to .. Sometimes I swear I can feel your arms around me .. when I lay in bed and cry and wish for you to talk to me I swear I can still hear your voice.. And that is the only thing that comforts this heart ...
I love you hun, I know soon enough I will see you again .. and til then ... You will be right here in my heart...I am just counting down the days and every day is another day I am closer to seeing you ..
Sitting here thinking of you / MOM
Hi,angel its been seven months since you have been gone, and it seems like yesterday.Well we had the family reunion but it was,nt the same without you.Shawn had the D.J play November Rain just for you.Nothing is the same around here without you.I was just sitting here thinking of what you would be doing if you were here.I still miss you more than ever.Sometimes i think my heart is just going to break I was up at Shawn,s the other night for cook out.. I had my left knee done on the 4 of this month it was more painful than my right one.I know that you are happy in heaven with JESUS. I know that i will see you again someday Pam i will never forget you ,you,re in my heart always.I just wish you were here so that i could give you a big hug and hold you again like i did when you were a baby.I would give any thing to have those years back that i had with you.Pam you were so special to me and always will be.Well i,m going to say goodnight and lov you. Lov forever and always Lov mom Close
hey .. I wanted to talk to you so badly today and I guess the best it gets is writting you ... I miss you so much and today just seems like one of those days again . I can't tell ya enough how much I love you ! While your up there tell Eddie hello for me .. I miss him to .. we got really close over the last few month before he died. And some of the things he would say and do would have had you laughing til your belly hurt. We tried to stay laughing . I remember when I first went there. My heart was on my sleeve and I was so distant from the world and felt like there was no hope. I looked at him and seen this frail man who once was so strong and large and here he was tiny and ill..... I couldnt leave .. I so needed to stay and help him in everyway and take care of him .. and you were always on my mind.. We talked alot about you and things in general . I finally got those answers I was looking for from him about Dana. But even tho I got em ..I felt it didn't matter anymore .. I am not me anymore . what mattered to me back then doesn't matter to me now . I hate to say how hateful and arrogant I have become.. but it's true. But in the month I spent with Ed.. it was differnt in recent months I couldnt even smile.. we stayed laughing .. smiling and just enjoying what time he had left even though he couldnt do much other then sit and bs with everyone it was so much worth it ! And then I found myself wishing I had that time with you .. wishing I could have at least said the most important thing that needed to be said to you .. THere is never going to be closer is there ? I have never been able to say the one thing you never knew.. and that was Thank you .. Thank you for being all that you was to me . Thank you for keeping me in line. making me smile,sharing things with me noone would have ever known,thank you for just being you and letting me be me.
I have said so many times I love you ... I missed you . but Thank you was never said and it so needed to be .. you needed to know how greatful I am for all you have brought to my life .. for all you have given to me as a person (the strength, love,friendship and so much more) Pam I would trade my soul and life to see you again .. touch you again and tell you Thank you .. I love you hun and No time nor distance will ever take that away ever!! You are and always will be my heart
Laura is so big now .. she talks perfectly and has grown to be something else.. and she knows every bit who you are ! SHe hasn't forgotten you .. but at the same time .. it rips me apart . Not long ago she brought me the phone and asked me to call you .. I was speechless.. she said she wanted to go bye bye's with you .. and I kept thinking .. if only she understood.. If you only understood what an impact this would have on everyone .. Summer is in full swing and when I step outside it's like stepping into another life for me .. My world doesnt feel the same .. life is not natural anymore. I am literally alone without you .. I lay in bed at nite crying .. wishing there was a way we could talk to each other .. I could live happier if I could just do that much .. at least hear your voice talking to me .. I miss you Pam. I dont think it will ever change .. I will never be the same again. I can't wait to see you up there in Heaven .. I can't wait to see that smile of yours . Dana got me some perfume while I was up there.. it was strange cause it was your favorite perfume... I told her to please dont get upset but I probably won't wear it .. SHe has become quit the teenager! You would not believe how much she has grown.
I know you and the kids had your moments but I am sure you see how proud the one has made me .. Anthony is in 10th grade now and brought me home a point shy of honor roll these last marking periods! He sure knows how to shock even me ! Ryan is ryan .. He would have u surprised that is for sure.Brit is going to middle schoo this year! God I remember when she was just in Kindergarden and you were singing to her Who let the dogs out ! She is becoming such a young lady. Pnut is pnut .. still funny .. still queit and still lovable.. And me .. well .. I am just here .. missing you , loving you and trying to go on in life.
Pam, it's me want u to know that even though i haven't been here doesn't mean that i forgot you. My computer broke and i'm getting it fixed. I found a video of you and the kids when they were real little. Eric was down last weekend and he watched the video. It was cool to find that video. I have something that i can always see you and hear your voice.I'm down at mom's she came home from the hospital today from her knee replacement. The kids are with me and we talk about you alot and think of you often. i just wanted you to know that i love you and miss you and think of you all the time. You will always be in my heart. and i will never forget. well i gotta go, see ya in heaven.love ya sis, love always shawn
Wow it feels like an eternity since I wrote those words! I miss you so much and each day has been a new challange .. I am home now again and wish I could just run away .. when I walked back in the door it was like walking into hell... every emotion I felt before I left was back .
While I was gone I spent alot of time just staring at the stars and watching the sun go down or the sun come up ... and I spent alot of days and nites missing you and praying to you ..............
Ed past away right in my arms but of course you know that since he is up there with you now .. It was a feeling I so hated...... and an emotion that I never want to exerpience again ...... I just felt once again that I was being ripped to shreds.
I am not much for talking these days . I am still trying to figure out these feelings I am having .. I feel alone and misheard and mislead about alot of things and wish you were still here to talk to me ...
it feels way to long already that I been without you and I dont like it .. I can't deal with these emotions or crazy thoughts that run through my head.....
SO much has happened in recent days that I wonder if god is trying to tell me something ..
and wow how much I miss you is unreal ~!
Well anyway I wanted to stop and wite you it feels like I had been away from you far to long.. and It was good to come back and see that your site it ok .. although needs a good updating! Guess I have something other then cleaning this house to do now lol
Pam ... It's been awhile and I want you to know your still in my thoughts my heart and I still love you .. ALL my heart today tomorrow and always Lese Close
Thinking of you / MOM
Pam, its mom missing just as much as ever.And i love you more than you will ever know.Just sitting here thinking of you,our movie is on Ladder 49 is on but its not the same without you being here.Life sure has not been the same around here without you.It seems like theirs a big part of me missing.Since you have been going i just don,t know how to get my life back on track.I have never missed any one as much as i have you.It sure is lonely around here with out you.I have to get my left knee replaced in August,but i won,t have my little nurse here with me,but in my heart i know that you will be with me. I hope that you and God will be with me in the operating room with me.Pam i miss you so much it does,nt seem right that you are not here with me, i just miss you so much that i don,t what to do.My heart still hurts, but my love will always be their for you,i will hold you in my heart forever.Shawn is bringing Eric down for the family reunion, its not going to be the same because you won,t be their, nothing is the same any more.I just love and miss you so much .I will hold you in my heart forever.I know that you are safe and happy with JESUS and you are at peace, just keep me a little spot next to you.LOVE AND MISS YOU AWAYS . MOM Close
I will miss coming here to see you ... / LISA (GIRLFRIEND)Read >>
I will miss coming here to see you ... / LISA (GIRLFRIEND)
HEY HUN. I THOUGHT I WOULD STOP AND WRITE YOU ... I AM LEAVING TOMORROW AND WILL BE GONE FOR A COUPLE WEEKS.. I KNOW I AM GOING TO MISS YOU AND MISS THIS HOUSE SINCE ALL AROUND IS MEMORIES OF YOU ..
I HAVE TO GET AWAY FOR AWHILE THO SO I HAVE VOLUNTEERED MYSELF TO HELP SIS AND ED. I HAVE THE BABY WITH ME AND BRIT TO .. BUT THE BOYS WILL BE HERE WITH FRANK ..
THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR ME .. I CAN CLEAR MY HEAD AND THINK .. I AM GOING TO HATE BEING AWAY FOR LONG AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO TO YOUR RESTING PLACE .. BUT I KNOW IT'S NOT FOREVER.. AND I CAN TALK TO YOU NO MATTER WHERE I AM AND YOULL HEAR ME .
I JUST GOT HOME FROM A 7 DAY STAY IN THE MOUNTIAN'S AND AFTER 5 I WAS READY TO HEAD HOME.. YOU WAS ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT ..
I WANTED TO COME HERE AND CHECK ON THINGS AND THERE IS NO INTERNET WHERE I WILL BE ... SO I GUESS UNLESS I FIND A LIBRARY THEN I AM S O L.
I STIL THINK ABOUT YOU NON STOP. TONITE I WAS TALKING TO MRS FAYE .
SHE LETS ME TALK AND TALK ABOUT YOU AND DOESN'T SEEM TO EVER GET TIRED OF HEARING IT .. AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH I GET SICK SOMETIMES..
I WISH SO MUCH I COULD JUST SEE YOU AND HUGG YOU RIGHT NOW!
Just MISSING YOU / MOM
Pam just missing you so much more here lately.How does it feel to be a year older.Shawn,s b-day was today, Jody is having him a surprise b-day party for him ,we all wish you were here to share it with us .I had you on my mind a lot,i just can,t believe that you are really gone.I just keep thinking that your away and that you will be coming home.Pam you don,t know how much my heart is hurting or maybe you do.My life has,nt been the same since you have been gone.I can,t get over not seeing you or talking with you.I know that you are happy now and that your not hurting anymore.but that does,nt make me miss or love you any less.I know nothing has ever hurt me this bad.There are a lot of times when i,m down and out that i want to be were you are.Like i told you before i,m angry because of loosing you ,no one understands how i feel not having you here.You should not have gone before me.You are in my heart and my all the time.You will always be in my heart,i will carry you in my heart always. This all feels like a bad dream and when i wake up you will be their.I go and talk with you a lot and take care of your resting place making sure that every thing is ok I love you miss you more than words can say I miss you not going places with me.I have to have my left knee replaced and i won,t have you around to help me. You were always great for helping every one.Pam you had a heart of gold always willing to help,and you loved every one that you came in contact with, you are one special person and GOD could,nt have gotten a better young lady for an angel.I,m glad that you,re with JESUS and i know that some day i will see you again.Just don,t forget i love and miss you with all my heart.LOVE FOREVER MOM Close
I just miss you pam.. / Lisa (Girlfriend)
I went to see you again yesterday and I brought you some beautiful pink carnations and red roses....As I placed the flowers on your resting place my heart broke again and again .. Laura was such a little lady and oh so grown up .. she stood there just looking as if she had something she wanted to say . I brought Mary this time to .. since she doesn't drive she hasn't been able to get to to see you yet.. And brit well .. I couldnt leave her or she would have lost it on me .
I wish the weather would clear up . Me and laura would like to go out there and have lunch with you one day . But it's been raining so much here everyone is flooding out . And it seems every single time I go to see you it rains! But I dont care I stand in the rain .
Not a day goes by that I don't miss you and I don't think about you and wish you were here .. I can still hear your voice when I am sitting there thinking about you .. I still remember your smell and your laugh ........I feel so lost without you .. Lonely , hurt and alone. Sometimes late at nite I just sit and cry .. wishing I could talk to you . I miss having you to talk to in the middle of the nite.. I miss having you to joke around with and tell jokes to .. I love the way you would laugh when I would do something stupid. I carry your picture with me at all times so that your never away from me .
Pam I wish you knew at the time how so very much I love you and how much I would miss you .. I wish you truely listened when I told you my love was unconditional .. good or bad it didn't matter... I wish you could have had a glimsp into time and seen how much we all would hurt and miss you .....
I can't wait to see you .. I can't wait to be up there with you . I just miss you so much it hurts.. My heart belongs to you with you and I don't know how to make things good for me unless I am with you . Guess I will die an old lonely miserable angry old woman ... cause I don't think I will ever be the same..
I love you pam ... and I always will... Today,Tomorrow,always Lese Close
Time after Time... / Lisa (Girlfriend)
Today I miss you more then ever and often wish we were together .. I sit and stare outside my window for a sign of your face in the heaven's I miss you more then anyone could know and hold it so it won't show I cry silently so they think I'm ok and beyond that it's just another day I often wonder how happy could you be? You up there without me.. If only I could hold you just one more time .. would it make a differnce would it change time?
Happy Birthday .. All my love Lisa
Time After Time Cyndi Lauper
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick, and think of you caught up in circles confusion-- is nothing new Flashback--warm nights-- almost left behind suitcases of memories, time after--
sometimes you picture me-- I'm walking too far ahead you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said-- Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind-- the second hand unwinds
chorus: if you're lost you can look--and you will find me time after time if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting time after time
after my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray watching through windows--you're wondering if I'm OK secrets stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time--
chorus: if you're lost...
you said go slow-- I fall behind the second hand unwinds--
chorus: if you're lost... ...time after time time after time time after time time after time Close
my pam / MOM
Hi honey its mom its six months since you have been gone,it does,nt seem that long.I miss you so much.Ijust wish you were here so that we could celebrate your birthday with you.I,m going to take some flowers to you tomorrow for your birthday, theirs not much more that i can give you.I know that you,re happy were you are your in a good place.Your with JESUS and i know that he,s taking good care of you.But you have MOMMOM and POPPOP and all the rest of our family up their to help celebrate your birthday.I still miss you ,i want you here with me ,i just don,t you want you were you are,but i know that i can,t change things.It,s been hard for me,i,m becoming angry and not very happy at all.My heart hurts all the time i don,t know what to do about it.I get very up set with one person a lot.I hope things will get better.I just wanted to tell you i love you and miss you with all my heart.I will never forget you,i love you.Happy early birthday to you Sweetheart.LOVE FQREVER AND ALWAYS Close
Wish you were here / MOM (MOTHER)
Pam its so lonely because your not here,i just miss you so much.I thought things would get a little easer but its not. i can,t believe you are gone i miss not having you around.You were,nt suppose to go before me.My heart is broken and i don,t know what to do.I hold your sweater to keep you close.I know that you are at peace and that your with GOD, but ar the same time i want you with me.I hope you know how much you were and still are loved. You were very special to every one, you gave your heart and love to everyone you came in contacted with..I loved you for the person you were and you became.sometimes i don,t even feel like even getting out of bed in the morning.It did something to me when you left, i would have been more than glad to have traded places with you.I just can,t seem to get my life back on track.I can,t hold you ,now all i have to hold is your sweater i can smell your scent your perfume. and some how thats not enough.Theirs not a day that goes by that i don,t think of you.I,m just down and out a lot.Know one knows how much it hurts to loose a child but a parent.Well sweetheart i,m going to say goodnite and i loe you with all my heart. Close
I just miss you so much .......... / Lese
Each day I think about you and the smile and how I miss you so Each day I think about your voice and wish you didn't go ..
I can't possibly miss anything more .. then I miss you right now And even tho I go about my day I still look for signs that your near me.
I cry at nite still and silently pray for you to hear me when I say I love .. I thought time would heal me .. heal my heart and replace this hurt with something more gentle ... It hasn't happened.. I said to you many times you were my one and only .. you were my soul.. my heart .. my everything . And it's funny how so many times I said it .. but to TRUELY feel it , that didnt happen until i couldnt hold you anymore or see you anymore or hear your voice.
Every single day I think bout you ......remember you or times we shared. I love the happy memories you have given me .. but hate the hurt that is upon my heart . The anger I feel inside because I am no longer complete . I hate who I have become and how my heart won't let ANYONE in anymore and I choose to hide away then feel love from even the most inoccent of hearts.
I miss you Pam .. I can't say it enough .. I know sitting here writting to you on a computer doesn't change a damn thing.. and you can't read this .. But I like to think you are sitting near me now reading as I poor my heart out once again . I love to think you have some insight into the words we all poor out on this website.
I pray for the day I see you again .. I pray for the day we walk together again and share laughter and happiness.. Just to see you .. Smell you.. hear your voice.. it's worth more then anything I could have in my life . You have no idea how much you truely mean and meant to me and yet here I am still beggin god for a miracle and this all be a sick dream or something ...
I guess It's just one of those days again and that is why I am here pooring my heart out .. But I love you and miss and sometimes I can't imagine the next day coming without you .. For so long you and you alone was all I had .. this is so not real to me .. even all these months later.. it's not real .. Your birthday is coming soon..... and I remember how you used to tell me you didn't want cakes or parties.. and I would try my hardest to sneak out and get you a cake or something ... and you smiled and loved it anyway ...
I can't imagine what I will do that day but I know I will have you in my mind the entire day .
I just miss you soo much and feel so empty and alone without you pam .. I wish my words could bring you back !!! BUT I have to be honest .. I am happy your safe and no longer feeling any hurt or pain .. your not depressed anymore and you always have a smile cause they say heaven is free of all of that .. ANd to know that makes me happy for you ... but sad too .. sad that I can't see you with that smile on your face all the time and the joy in your voice.. Someday I will see you again until then just know YOU HAVE MY WHOLE HEART AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE >>
All my heart .. all my love .. Forever .. Lese Close
It Can't possibly hurt anymore then now... / Lisa Read >>
It Can't possibly hurt anymore then now... / Lisa
Well..............This has to have been the hardest week for me ever .. Day's are just turning and fastly moving by and soon the day got together will be here an anninversary so to speak and yet here I am alone .. I am holding my breath ...................................I wish it could be a easy time for me but it's not ..
I just can't imagine this life going on without u, Happiness? I don't have any except for the kids and Lu. I spend countless hours with her looking at her.. The most priceless moments are when she looks at me and winks and say's I love you mommy...............It's funny how u used to do that .. They say that when a child is so young they don't remember.. well I wish everyone could see just how much she truely does remember ......... Coming here to see your pics upsets her.. so we don't come here much .. I have pics of you all over the house tho ..
She has grown soo much !!! she is now in a 4t 5t and talks soo good! She can count to 13 and say some of her alphabet.. This is what we worked for so much hun!! to see this little girl have such smarts and respect! She always uses her manners............................
God I hate this . Telling you about laura through letters or prayers.. But Ya know some how I think you are here with her ....She talks to herself all the time ....and holds conversations as if she were talkng to someone.. I often wonder if it's you there with her.
I can't explain anymore how I feel.. I just can't put words on my feelings.. I have been hurt before.. felt loss before and broken hearted before.. But not to this extent. As summer comes closer .. the more I miss you .. the smell of the air reminds me of days we spent together.. I remember last year when you were telling me about how your mom actually got you in that bathing suit (laughing so much right now !) I sat there in total shock . you in a bathing suit !! I had to fight so long to get ya to wear shorts .. and even then you wouldn't go out side with them on !!
Somedays I roll over and wake up and almost forget that your gone.. the room ins bright and the smell of the room still reminds me of you at times. And then I lay there and come to my senses and realize you aren't coming back ... and the effort it takes then to get out of bed is unreal.
I miss you so much .. I wish my I miss you's were enough to bring you back like when we would fight .. or I wish My I love you's were enough to have you to hold .. I would gve anythng to be sitting in the car next to you .. listening to our favorite songs.. I would give the world to be able to sit in your car and just smell your scent.. I rememeber the last time we were in your car together .. you put your top down .. and I remember sitting there thinking .. I wish the top didn't go down .. and Laura was in the back seat.. just smiling .. at ya with her happy meal toy in her hand .. I remember struggeling to keep my hair from hitting my face so not to agravate the nerve.. but didn't say a word cause you were just content .. it was the way it was supposed to be .. and yet a few months later your gone.. so much to go on for .. so many who love you and those of us who feel like we need you to just be able to go on .. There are days I sit here wishing the worst so I could be with you .. begging god to end my pain and take me home with you.. how can I not love you .. even tho your gone? You truely were my everything .. SO many don't believe that or want to admit it .. if only they could reach into my heart and see .. see the hurt .. the lonliness.. the longing I feel.. The ache that is deep deep within me .. and see that you were truely my other half .. my heart , my soul.. what made me want to wake in the mornging and take that first step of the day .. YOU ... It was you .. I seen my future and it was yoiu I seen .. when I seen my life ahead of me it was you .. Now what's left?
I miss you Pam .. I love you .. ALL MY LOVE FOREVER AND ALWAYS >>> Lese Close
Hi honey just want to talk / Mom
Pam, today is June1 and its your little girls birthday,Mandy is 20 i know that she misses you as much as we all do.I miss you so much,i just can,t get it throu my head and heart that you are not here.I just don,t know what to do without you.Its really hard for me.Pam i did,nt really know what a broken heart felt like until i lost you.I don,t know how to fix my heart,i miss you something awful,some times i just don,t want to go on living.You had so much to live for,two beautiful children.Pam i watched you grow from a beatiful baby into a beatiful young woman.YOU were special to me i loved you for who you were.There are times i just want to hold you in my arms just like when you were a baby.I miss your smile,i miss not having you here to talk to.This is the kind of weather that you liked so you could put top down on your car.I use to watch you put the top down on your car and go work.I also know that Laura wasa bright spot in your life you loved that little girl like she was your own.I want to thank you for sharing her with me.Sweetheart i just wish that i could have traded places with you,i don,t want you were you are i want you here with me.But i know that you are happy were you are,you,re with JESUS now and one of his angels.I don,t know if my life will ever be the same without you.I never knew what it was like to lose someone as specia;I just love and miss you.Well honey i will say goodnight and love you.With all my love Mom Close
It's been hard / Lese (Girfriend)
It's been a hard weekend for me .. First I wanted to tell you happy memorial day.. I am typing you with limited mobility here .. I broke my hand saturday.. and well Sunday was the worst day of my life in the last 5 months.. I really lost it ..
It's been hard these days to face all that life has thrown at me and still go on without you.. so many times I have thought how very much I rather just be up there with you dad and steve..
Mom isn't doin to good these days.. she's here by blood transfusions and that's it .. til her body shuts down and say's it can't go on .. And I keep tellin myself.. when she is gone.. I have nothing left.. what is left?
I don't know if I have the strength to keep this up but god knows I pray for it daily and try to go on .
Sunday I just cried for hours I could barely breath and I was all but maybe a tera away from putting myself in the hospital cause I can't do this anymore.. The choices I have made .. feel like they have led you to make the choices you have made .. and then I think .. how can I breath and live each day without u .. that wasnt my thoughts ever..
I don't come here and write much .. but come here every day to see your pics.. Laura and I was here on Sunday afternoon .. just watching the photo;s to the music.. I just cryed.... I couldnt do much else.. It's so hard to believe that your are NOT really here anymore.. hard to believe that laura can't run to you anymore .. or hear your voice..
Well.. I just wanted to say I love you and miss you..
I will be up there with u soon enough .. so I don't let time tear me up anymore .. now it 's distance ..
Just want to talk / Mom
Pam just wanted to let you know that Shawn had Eric down for the Holiday weekend,its really great to see Eric.The holidays are,nt the same because your not here to share them with us.Missy took you flowers yesterday,i know that she still misses you we all do.I can,t stop missing you.Pam remember when you were a baby we use to go to the park you use to love to ride on the swings,and play on the slideing board and also playing in the sand box.You were the cutiest little girl i dressed you up so cute,i know you must think what i,m saying is dumb,but if i can,t talk to you then i don,t have anyone i can talk to.I miss not talking to you,hearing you laugh.On nice days like today you would have the top on your car down.I watched you when you went to work and how proud you were of that car.I wanted to let you know some of the things that are going on.Shawn and Missy uncovered the pool for me today, i was,ent for sure if i was going to or not.I know that you and Mason,Zareya had fun in the pool last summer.Well just wanted to talk.But my heart is still hurting.I love you with all my heart.Still missing you. LOVEYOU,And i know that JESUS is taking care of you and i know that you are happy and safe. You have to be one of the prettiest ANGELS that GOD has in in heaven. Well goodnight and i love you LOVE MOM Close
Pam im sitting here crying looking at your pictures and wishing you were here. I can,t believe that you are really gone.I don,t think that i will ever get over not having you around. I don,t think that you know how much you are really being missed.You had so much to live for, but i know in my heart that you must have been hurt I know that you are at peace and that you are with the most wonderful person in the world and thats JESUS, i know that you are safe. just keep a spot for me next to you. I know that you must be busy with Poppop and Mommom and all the rest of our family thats their with you .I don,t know if anyone really knows how this has really done to me.I just i could fix my heart but i don,t know how. I miss you and love you and want you here with me but i know thats can,t be. Sometimes i wish i was with you. Life gets awful hard without you Their are times i just want to hold you and i can,t. I don,t know what to do i just can,t get over not being here Sometimes i wish that i had someone to talk to about you and how much i hurt. Your are such a beatiful person and had so much to live for. You will never be out of my heart. I WIILL SAY GOODNIGHT AND LOVE YOU BE safe my precious one. LOVE MOM
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