wish I was with u !  / Lisa (Girlfriend)
Pam, 

I am still here ....... missing u .. wishing to see you . I wish I was with u right now . 
I think about you all the time . and time seems to go to slow and seems to never bring to you fast enough.

I missed you so much on christmas .. I remember how excited you would get

and I remember our first christmas together.. it was amazing how I made it through that day happy as can be . Concidering I never liked the holidays.

You had that way about you that made me smile and laugh at the worst of moments!

I remember the Christmas I gave u ur rings... I remember sitting there as if my heart would burst out of my chest.. cause it was such a big step for us and commitment . And when I finally got it over with I remember I couldn't speak but sat there just looking at ur face. Trying to make sure it was a moment I would always remember .. the look on your face was as shocked as the moment I finally told you I was in love in with you .........god I can still remember that feeling .. as if I couldn't speak a word . the anticipation was so much more then I could bare and yet I couldn't tell you ! I remember it taking me forever cause I wasn't sure of your reaction !!!!!!!!!!!


I am glad I did ! I got to spend the best moments of my life with you . THe best times in my life were spent with you and some of the most meaning full words I will ever speak were said to you and some of the most meaningfull things I ever heard in my life came from you . 
I appreciate ever single moment I ever spent in your arms . Hearing your voice or hearing your heart beat.

I never took a moment with you for granit and I remember ever single day like it was yesterday!
 But what hurts most is the last day I spent with you .. that last moment I heard your voice and the last time I hugged you !

I miss you ..I never imagined I would love like this and I am happy that I got to! But It hurts to miss you this much . It hurts to be here without you and not see you .. or talk to you or wake up to you drinking ur coffee!

I wish you knew then how much I truely would miss you .. how much we all would miss you ....................I wish you would have found what ever it was keeping you empty for you to not want to go on anymore! I wish I would have been enough to keep you here and happy !

Noone in this world could ever understand how this has impacted my life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOONE can ever understand how I am not a complete person anymore and I feel like I am nothing without you .

I can't fill the pain ever .........and no matter how I try I can never be truely happy again . 

I miss you sooooooooooooo much it hurts and miss you so much it takes the breath from my chest ! The tears never end.. I think I cry every single day .. I just miss you . 
I love you hun, and can't wait to see you in heaven ...........


All my love to you always!

TODAY, tommorrow and forever 
Lese Close

Still filling the pain  / Mom
,,Pam it,s been a year that you have been gone, but it seems like a long time.I just wish that i could of had more time to spend with you.I don,t know how to get over not having you here the holidays have not been the same .I think of you all the time,Honey you are aways in my heart theirs not a minute of the day that i don,t think of you.Pam know one knows how much this has hurt me,i lost my first born my precious daughter.I just wish that i could have gone before you and not know this pain that i carry in my heart.I never thought that i would ever fill this kind of pain and heart ache.I just hope and pray to God that don,t have to go thru this again.A child should,nt have to die before the parent.I just wish that i could have traded places with you.I know that you are safe and happy with Jesus and that you feel no more pain.I went to your grave today to make sure every thing was ok and to talk to you. It,s hard not having you here,i don,t know about any one else but i am having a hard time getting over your death.I miss you so much, but i do remember all the good times.I just love you so much,Shawn went to pick up Eric and he had dinner with us,Pam he is really a good kid and so is Mandy.Pam you be proud of both of them.Lov always Mom Close

Time without you .....  / Lese (Girlfriend)
Pam, 

Time without you has been a time of heartache and tear shed .. 
My time is filled with anger hurt and dispare. I never know which way to go or who I can trust. 

I miss you ... It' been a year today since you been gone from us all .. It feels like an eternity since i have seen your face or held you in my arms. 

It feels like an eternity since I heard your voice say "I love you !"

Christmas wasn't the same without you .. and as little as I did do yesterday I still didn't want or feel up to doing that . I had to put on my smiles and pretend and silently I was crying .. wishing and wanting to be with you where you are . 

Strange things happen and while lying in bed with Laura christmas eve singing her the itsy bitsy spider she stopped me mid streem and said something that will never leave my head!!!!!!!!!!! 

I swear if I didn't know any better you talk to her daily .. she looked at me and told me "pam is really sorry mommy!" I asked her for what Lulu? " she said "for leaving you "

I wonder............................I really wonder .......what  does she see.. what does she know ?  I swear I would think it was all in my head but she tells everyone else these things to .. she talks about you and too you like your right here . 

I miss you ...........................I dont think there is much more that I can really say other then that ! I wish you were here I need to hear your voice say my name .. I need to smell your perfume. 

I thought the time would get easier as I went along.. instead it feels as real as the moment I got the call .....................

I haven't talked to mandy and eric.. god knows I miss them to .. but my phone is shut off ... and while I am here missing them .. I want them to know as well I love them both so much !


I can't think of one thing I wanted for Christmas other then to have you back .......... guess I can't get everything I want ! 


Love you always and miss you more then anything !


Today. tomorrow, always

Lese Close

Gone but not forgotten  / Shawn
Pam, just me remembering the good times and the  hard times the good is messin with you and talkin with you and most of all the hugs. 
The hard ones knowing that  i can't see you anymore until i get called home. I really have been thinkin of you alot especially the last few days when we are coming up on the anniversary of you bein gone.
 It is just so hard not being able to talk to you huggin ya laughin with ya pickin on mom together or whoever. It  really isn't the same i think of you everyday there sin't a day that goes by.I just wish you would have seen the impact you really made on people, but  i also wish you would have gotten treated the way that you deserved in sayin that i wish everyone could have shown the love that you showed because no matter what anyone says it was true love.
You did whatever it took to make someone happy and i didn't realize that till after you were gone. And i am soory for not seein that. This year has really been hard on a lot of people i know it has been for me. Alot of struggles i think you have seen them.I just ask that you would send mom a really big Christmas hug and help her to move on not to forget you but to remember you with all the love and memories that we have. I Love You Pam Merry Christmas!  kind of hurts to say that those were the last words i said to you after we hugged love always Shawn Close

Hurts to much  / Lese (girlfriend)
Pam, 
It hurts to much to be here right now .. but I am .
It hurts to much to see your smile and miss your voice but 
memories are all I have 

It hurts to much to smell your perfume..But I can't let 
the smell die out or I will forget the smell of you 

It hurts to much to hear the songs we loved to sing
but without them in my life daily I wouldn't have a reason 
to clean .....

You know the meanings' behind such things and noone could ever
understand .. that even tho we weren't man and woman we
were still hand and hand.

It hurts to much to go to your grave 
for tears are all I can offer.. And I know a smile you rather see 
then me crying over my coffee...

It hurts to much to play that song .. the one we called our own 
but I do every single day so that I don't feel alone!!

It hurts to much to look in Laura's eyes cause I know she 
misses you soo .. 
but I hold her tightly and tell Her you love her like I know you would want her to know !!

it hurts to much to be without you ... and walk through
this life .. for you were every part of me and it always felt right.

It hurts to much to carry on .. for days seem way to long 

and in the end I miss you sooo.. and my love is more then you know but it hurts to  much to not let it show !!!

You were my life then and now .. for without you I am just a walking empty soul.. and my heart is broken in two.. 
It hurts to much to carry on and go on without you .. 
But each day I awake for sake of those around me .. 
and when my day does arrive .. I know you'll be there to guide me !

It hurts to much to not tell you .. that right now I miss you alot.. 
but this is my words to you right now .. no matter what!!!!!! 

I LOVE YOU PAM AND ALWAYS WILL >> THIS IS MY PROMISE TO YOU


ALL MY LOVE FOREVER >>
MERRY CHRISTMAS MY LOVE >>

YOUR LESE Close

My heart is still hurting  / Mom
Pam my heart is still hurting, i can,t remember when i have ever had this much pain before.I would have given my own life just for you to be here with the ones that love you.I never though that you would leave me .I know that i had you for 43 years but that was,nt long enough.If their was anything in this world that i could have back it would be you.I hurt so much so much at times i don,t know what to do.Things are not the same with me any more since you went to be with Jesus.I don,t seem to be able to move on with my life.I have never missed anyone so much in my whole life as i do you.I just wish that you were here, so that we could talk and share thinghs.I guess i just want you here and not where you are, but i know that you are happy and safe and know one can ever hurt you again. You should not have gone before me but i guess some times things don,t turn out that way. Pam i love you so much i don,t know if the pain will ever go away.I just wish that i could have held you close to me just one more time.I know that you are happy were you are in heaven,save a place for me next to you. you are in my heart always and forever.I will never forget you ,love always and forever Mom Close

I just miss u so much ...  / Lisa (Girlfriend)
Today I sat looking at your photo's and I just can't believe your really gone. I don't reality has set in completly and here I am missing you and wishing you were here. For a moment I could feel the last time we hugged before you left out my door that last time. I could remember the feel of your arms around me the smell of your hair .. the feel of your skin . The gentle touch of your hand. 
The sound of your voice and the sound of your breath in my ear. 

I miss you so much and time doesn't heal all wounds.. and this is just one that it can't and won't heal . I dream about you and sometimes it seems so real . Like your still here next to me . Sometimes I lay in bed ready to doze off and I can hear your voice calling my name and I want to believe it's real .. your really here but then reality set's in and I realize it's just my imagination. 

There are times I walk in my room and I can smell your perfume.. and I wonder if your near... are you really here? I really with me .. it's just not good enough. 

I pray to you .. I talk to you .. I miss you . god you have no idea how much I miss you . I would have traded the world to have you stay .. I would have given anything in this world to change the hands of fate and turn back time and bring you back . 
THe sun on face doesn't feel the same .. the joy's I once had just don't feel worth enjoying . 
I have sitting on my desk that mirror you got me so long ago that say's "I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am I with you" and each day I read that remembering how much you passion you put into the words "I love you" when you would tell me . How much love I could feel .. how much sincerity I could hear in your voice. I can hear those words over and over in my head. Your voice still a strong sound I hear and remember.

god I love you ..............................I can't wait to see you again .. can't wait to hug you again .. I just wish with all my heart I could stand face to face with you and tell you how very much I love you !!

I miss you pam......................................



Today, Tomorrow and always, 
Lese Close

To close to want to wake  / Lisa (Girlfriend)
The days draw near to the reminder of that day
The closer we get I don't want to wake

The painful reminder of the day you left 
The closer we get I dont want to wake

I can still hear your voice in my mind 
I long for you as I walk through life

The closer we get I don't want to wake 

I spend hours looking at your pictures 
days remembering your face . 

The closer we get I don't want to wake

I want to get through this without seeing the days 
I want to sleep the time away . 

The closer we get I don't want to wake.

I miss you hun, for time is not the same . 
My hours are filled with everlasting pain  

and ...
The closer we get I don't want to wake.



Pam, I have been missing you with this empty hurt and ache in my heart for the last year . As we come upon the holidays and the day you left us my ache is deeper and deeper . My pain is stronger. 
If I could never face that day I would be happy. If I could sleep my time away and never have to have the flash backs of the phone call that you are gone.. If I could just have never had to hear them words I wonder how things would be today.

Each day has been a struggle. A pain staking process of what if's and how come's . Why's and why not's . 
Nothing can bring you back and that hurts me more then ANYTHING in the world! I would trade ANYTHING even my last breath to hold you one last time and tell you again how much I love you !

I know your happy ... I know your near and you have never left us but it's not the same.. Not the same as hearing you laugh . Hearing your voice or seeing your smile and hearing you say I love you ..

Your up there with many people I love and miss but it's you I miss the most .. you I can't wait to see. 

Pam, As I said before .. NO time nor distance will ever stop my love for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I miss you and always will .

TODAY,TOMORROW,ALWAYS
Lese Close

11 months  / Shawn
I can't believe it's been almost a year. It still feels as if you are still here. I know mom really misses you and her heart hurts i pray for her to free of the pain not to forget you but to live life and remember you. We all talk about how we miss you and how if you were here how you would react to certain things. I really miss you Pam, it doesn't seem the same goin to moms house and you not being there to give me a big hug. I love you always have you are missied by all. 
 I just wish that you could see how much you meant to everyone before you did what you did. I know you are so happy now and that gives me a warm peace inside my heart. I can picture you now in Heaven laughing at us for grieving. You are truly missed, love ya sis.
 Love Shawn your lil brother Close

It's me again....  / Lisa (Girlfriend)
hey hun, 
god I wish so much u were here right now .. I think I have never felt so unsafe or alone as do now ! Me and the kids are gettting through tho . It's been rough being here in this house alone. I get scared alot . Mostly at nite . It's funny how I never imaged my life as it is now . 
 I can't believe how close to Christmas we truely are now..  The thought makes my stomach hurt and my heart feel so damn heavy with this burning ache and pain.

I bet your up there tho dancing to the angel's music and smiling always!
I miss you ! God you have no idea how much I miss you !!! 
I haven't been out to resting place for awhile, my damn car is down again and I really don't care to fix it anymore.. I ran it in the ground anyway lol.. I know I know .. You were always on me about the damn car ! Some things NEVER change!!!

Well .. I wanted to stop and see your smile. I sure wish I had ur strength and love around me right about now !!
I am sitting on pins and needles with all that is going on praying always for the best outcome. Maybe if you can just put a lil word in up there with the big man for me !! I sure would appreciate it ! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO

We all say hello and I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

All my love today, tomorrow and always 
Lese Close

Still missing you  / Mom
Pam it,s been eleven months since you have left us,it does,nt get any easer for me.My heart still hurts and i miss you more than evre,i know that you are in a much better place but i wish you were here with me.Sometimes i just can,t get started with life,i really feel that sometimes i don,t have any one to talk to .I know that you would listen to me and give me some advice,i miss the talks we had and still do.I know that you are in a much better place now and that you are happy.My heart is still heavy with pain,i never thought that any thing could hurt me as much as loosing you.I just wish you were here so that i could give you a hug.Ijust miss you not being here.I sit and think of all the good times we had together.I think about when you got married you were so beautiful,then a year or so later along came Mandy,then a few years later came Eric.Pam i will never forget you.You are always in my heart.Lov always and forever.Mom Close

missing you  / Shawn
Pam, it me just wanted to share some of the good times we had together with others who are thinking of you. I remember when we were caught in that blizzard in 93 at the apartment in gap. We were hiding in the bathroom smoking and spent 3 days together hangin out and having fun. I remember being little and how you were always there for me. Like the one time i got run over by that guy on the motorcycle at phillips trailerpark. How you can out the door ready to put one on him. And now i sit here and think of what i could've done or said to change things. But i am at peace of where you are i still miss you like crazy.  I again want to thank you for your love and for always being there. I 'll never forget what you taught me after all this is that time is precious so use it to the best of our knowledge cause one minute we are here and next we are gone. 
                                      Love ya Pam, Happy Thanksgiving
                                           Love always your lil brother Shawn Close

................ / Lese

pam,

I sit here and think to myself I could turn back the hands of time oh the things I would change. You would be here with me right now .. 

I was so proud of the kids ... Brittany Made the honor roll for the first time since you been gone! And pnut missed it by 2 points !! I know you were smiling and jumping for joy like I was. 

Brit has been missng you alot these days .. and she has been havin a hard time talking about you .. she misses you like crazy!
But so do I !! So know what she feels!

Thanksgiving is in 2 days .. I am not really gonna bother with it .. Noone is doing much this year anyway .. we are all just kind of doing our own things.

Angel is due to have her baby any day now! It's a girl again !! she has decided to name her Madison and get this .. tom has a baby on the way too!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that ?  were gonna be aunties' again!!!
We dont know what his baby is tho !!

Well Mary is here .. I will be back .. just wanted to say hi!

all my love today tommorrow and always
lese

Close

God when will the pain stop?  / Lese (Girlfriend)
Dear Pam, 

Today I miss you as much as the day you left...And it kills me to sit here and look at your pictures and see your smile and know that I will never again hear that laughter in real life!

I updated my Myspace today and made a slide show of you ... I spend a good 2 hours just watching it ... wishing I was with you right now . Wishing I could feel you hold me and tell me this will all be ok . 

Things haven't been the same for me since you left. My heart is so incomplete and so broken. Missing the biggest part  that ever made it whole. 

I love you and it's the hardest thing to live with .. loving someone I can never hold again .. never talk to .. never share a moment with . 
It's hard to comprehend all of this even today . Why you had to go and take yourself out of our lives. It's hard to understand how and why you could do this ..
I never thought or imagined a pain this great. A hollow feeling that rips at my soul on a minute by minute basis. 

I miss you .............. and I know you see and feel that . But I can't say it enough . Almost as to wish that god would hear my cries and bring you back . I know that isn't realalistic but it would be nice . 

There is a song that I listen to alot  and makes me think of you so much  and one of the verses says " It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you. "


"And I still hold your hand in mine. 
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet." 

Pam ,  god noone knows how much I can truely feel those words! 

I feel so empty and alone that I would give anything to be next to you now , talking to you , laughing with you ... talking about all the things we used to talk about . I miss our arguements, our happy moments. I miss having you to share my heart with . I can't even explain how I feel anymore . It's just not what I expected. 
I have tried to say good bye so many times and mean it .. just let go and I can't . You are and were my whole heart .  I promised you so long ago that was true and I ment it .. How can I say goodbye to what made me complete?

I can't wait to see you, be with you ... I am not afraid of the day I await it joyously ... for I know you await me on the other side. But til then I will never be happy I will never be able to move on or share my heart with anyone else. "YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY HEART  I PROMISE " I told you that 6 years ago and I am telling you again .. cause I ment it !

I love you pam , I miss you pam ..............................

Today, Tomorrow and always
Lisa



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My Pam  / Mom
Pam it,s been a while since i have talk to you .Just letting you know that it,s not getting any easer not having you here.My heart is still hurting,When you left me you took a very big piece of my heart with you.I sit here thinking of you a lot.Life is not quite the same any more,sometimes life does.nt seem fair.Pam it,s not right that you went before me .I still don,t understand maybe some day you will be able to tell me.I just have so many things that i need answers to.Sometimes i miss you soooo much that i can feel you near me,like i can just reach out touch you.Ijust can,t get over loosing you.Life stinks not having you here.I know that you are happy where you are , sometimes i wish i was there with you.Just save me a little spot next to you.My heart is just hurting i lov and miss you more than i have ever missed anyone in my whole life.Sometimes i don,t want to go on with life.It takes a lot just to get to get my life started since i don,t have you here with me.I know that GOD must of had something better in store for you.I know that you are happy with GOD and i also know that you are safe and happy and i don,t have to worry about you because you,re safe now.But it,s still hard not having you here.Well i,ll say goodnite and I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.Love always and forever Mom Close

Well...... / Lese (girlfriend)
Dear Pam , 

It seems as one door closes another one opens and for me it's never the good things that happen . I am struggeling to get through all that is going lately and often find myself questioning things in my life and where this is leading ... 

I miss you and that seems to be the only thing I know for sure anymore!  I have tried my hardest to get my self back to a happy place and it's not happening ... as I was reminded today .. MY reminder is here every single day when I look at Laura . 
She is growing so big . You would not believe what a big girl she has become!! 

ANd smart.. she is soo smart and funny to ! But moody ... very moody. She has been doing really good these days . I just wish I could say the same for my self ! 

I am just doing .. nothing great or here nor there .. just doing. 
I find myself trying everything in my power to forget or not really forget but move on .. and It's not happening .

I still love you tho .. and that counts for alot .. I am still here coming to see you .. still here writting to you and still here praying to you every single day . 

I took my rings off the other day, I thought It would help me heal and get through this . The reminder was always on my finger. But I never realized I won't be able to get over this by hidding the material item's . This feeling is going to be here a really long time if not forever. And I just need to deal with it and work with it . 
So. I am puttin them back on right now ...

Well I just wanted to say hello and that I miss you so much and still love you dearly !!!

All my love and heart 
Lisa Close

thinking of you  / Shawn
It's me just wanted to tell you that i have been thinking of you and i have been talking with Eric. We keep in touch with one another. We all miss you very much and we all wish you were here to be with us. I know that you are in a much better place but i really miss the hugs and the talks we had. I find myself thinking of all the things we talked about and all the time we shared before you left. Everything for most of the family is back to normal kind of, except some of us still can't get over the fact that you are gone. It  seems just like yesterday we were talking and laughing at dumb stuff. I just want to tell you that i really miss you and love you  and i think of you everyday. Can't wait to see your smiling face in Heaven. I bet your are telling Jesus about all kinds of stuff. I bet even some of us will be in big trouble.{lol}. well gots to go love ya Pam, love always Shawn Close

I wish u were here  / Lisa Grubb (Girlfriend)
Dear Pam. 


 Well each day is a day closer to finding out and I am scared a little bit. Not scared for myself .. but scared for the kids. I have told so many I am not afraid to die..Because I know who and what awaits me on the other side and with knowning that how can I be scared. 
I am hoping for the kids and mom all is ok .. 
Monday I get the results of my blood work up and go that same day for my Diagnostic tests. I was so scared to go alone and tehn someone offered to be there and that made this all a lot less scary.

I kept wishing you would be the one holding my hand and making this easier .. But I thought about it .. and I know you will be there the whole way through. I know you will be holding my hand and giving me strength! 

You told me one time that even after you die you will always be with me and I believe that ... sometimes I cry wishing you were here and I feel such a sense of relief and calm afterwards as if you were to say to me your here and your not going anywhere.

Give my love to Steve and Dad ... I know they both are putting a word in for me with god to .. Please save me that spot......I might need it sooner then we ever expected if they determine this is advance stage. 

ALL My love to you honey.. may you always feel my love .....

Today , Tomorrow, always,

Lisa Close

missing u  / Shawn
Pam, 
I am finally back and can come and see you whenever i want know. I haven't forgotten you. I still miss you like crazy and wish you were here. I seen the video that lisa put on here of you and just wished i could step in there and change things before this all happened. Or reach in and just hug you and never let go. I miss you sooo much and my heart still hurts. I still can't come on here without crying. I have been struggling with my walk with God maybe you can ask him to give me a little extra help i need it. I got my tattoo down and Eric got one done in memory of you. I have been keeping in touch with him and he's been coming down atleast once a month. well gotta go just wanted to let you know that i am back, Good night and I love you Pam. you will always be in my heart. love always Shawn Close

PLease keep watch .....  / Lisa Grubb (Girlfriend)
Hey Hun,

Well.. Here I am .. and I sure could use a good talkin to right now .. I miss you so much and this is one time when I wished you were here to just hold my hand and lead me along my way .. 

I went to the Doctor today to get the lumps taken care of ... and well things didn't go that great and for the first time in many years I just realized how precious these babies here are and how very much I am scared to death to have to leave them .. 

I am tryin to hold strong through all of this .. but  it's hard doin it alone.. God I never thought I would see the day I would stand alone and deal with something like this.. I miss you terribly.

I will fight a good fight regardless of the outcome but I so much look forward to see your face at those gates awaiting me .. 

THe kids are doing pretty good. Laura has been sick lately and they got her back on her machine but other then that she is doing good.
She misses you too.. and has no problem telling me ! 
who ever said babies forget dont' know this baby! 

I took notice that it's been a long time since anyone has been here .. and you know I promised you NO MATTER what I won't leave ya .. and well wether it's here or up there I with ya hun!!

Please just keep watch over me and help me fight a good fight through all the mess these days ... Put a word in with God up there so we can see each other again .. and in the mean time .. I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU .. 

ALL MY LOVE TODAY AND FOREVER>>>
Lese Close